


Group Chat: Ollie's Goatee Needs To Die

by Sohotthateveryonedied



Series: Young, Gay, Totally Unjustified [4]
Category: Young Justice (Cartoon), Young Justice - All Media Types
Genre: A lot of them - Freeform, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Bisexual Artemis Crock, Bisexual Character, Bisexual Dick Grayson, Bisexual Roy Harper, Bisexual Wally West, Brother-Sister Relationships, Comedy, Dysfunctional Family, Established Relationship, Everyone Is Gay, Friendship, GSA Club AU, Gen, Humor, Romance, Texting, Trans Cissie King-Jones, Trans M'gann M'orzz, Trans Wally West, but they're major aspects in the other fics in the series so i figured i'd add them, chatfic, everyone is bi lmao, the first two don't really come up in this fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:54:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28065039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sohotthateveryonedied/pseuds/Sohotthateveryonedied
Summary: Artemis:I’m ready. I am ready to pack up my bags and be sold to One Direction. I want to live a life in boyband servitude for eternity. Fuck collegeDinah:Hang in there kiddo!! <3<3<3Artemis:NoOliver:We love and support you!! <3 :)Artemis::/Oliver:<3:) (look it’s a wizard hat now)Oliver:<3:)--|--[Artemis:Your stick figure wizard does not spark joy in meOliver:Well I triedRoy:Hey Arty, wanna come over and throw steak knives at the old dresser I’m planning to throw away tomorrow?Artemis:What would I do without you
Relationships: Artemis Crock/Wally West, Dinah Lance/Oliver Queen, Roy Harper/Kaldur'ahm
Series: Young, Gay, Totally Unjustified [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1996390
Comments: 20
Kudos: 171





	Group Chat: Ollie's Goatee Needs To Die

**Author's Note:**

> Howdy ladies, gents, and gays to yet another installment of this gay hecking universe!!! (I actually have plans to continue with more mini fics like this one in the GSA AU, including one for the Flash Fam and another one for the Young Just Us youngsters because those kids DESERVE their own fic I'm obsessed with them.)
> 
> Enjoy!

******Group Chat: Ollie’s Goatee Needs To Die** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, December 10** **  
** **11:45 EST**

**Artemis:** Just spent nineteen hours studying for my microbiology final even though I’m a fucking english major but I needed a science course and this was the only one open at the time because I was late registering for classes because SOMEBODY wouldn’t stop calling me for opinions on mustache combs and now I have all this useless information about microbiology stored in my deflated volleyball of a skull in preparation for a final that was canceled this morning and the prof gave everyone As on it because he’s apparently too hungover to sit and watch us answer multiple choice questions for two hours JESUS DAMN CHRIST FUCK HECK SHIT  
  
**Roy:** Wow.  
  
**Artemis:** I’m ready. I am ready to pack up my bags and be sold to One Direction. I want to live a life in boyband servitude for eternity. Fuck college  
  
**Dinah:** Hang in there kiddo!! <3<3<3  
  
**Artemis:** No  
  
**Oliver:** We love and support you!! <3 :)  
  
**Artemis:** :/  
  
**Oliver:** <3:) (look it’s a wizard hat now)  
  
**Oliver:** <3:)--|--[  
  
**Artemis:** Your stick figure wizard does not spark joy in me  
  
**Oliver:** Well I tried  
  
**Roy:** Hey Arty, wanna come over and throw steak knives at the old dresser I’m planning to throw away tomorrow?  
  
**Artemis:** What would I do without you  
  
**Oliver:** Awww the kiddos are getting along for once :)  
  
**Artemis:** Ew no fuck off  
  
**Roy:** Me and her?? Showing affection and caring about each other?? I’m going to vomit into your lap.  
  
**Artemis:** Absolutely horrendous to think about. Don’t talk to me ever again  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Fuck You Artemis I Told You Destiel Was Canon Like Fifty Fucking Times And Every Time You Called Me A Fool For It And All Of That Negativity Festered In The Universe For Ten Years And This Is What I Fucking Get Now I Hope You’re Happy** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, December 10** **  
** **14:02 EST**

**Megan:** Alright gays, I’ve got your secret santa assignments ready!!  
  
**Raquel:** I still think we should have just picked the names out of a hat  
  
**Megan:** No because last time we left it up to fate, we all got ourselves and it was a disaster because we’re a tribe of self-centered gremlins who didn’t obey the holly jolly rules of secret santa  
  
**Raquel:** That’s what made it great! My present that year was awesome  
  
**Dick:** Oh yeah my secret santa that year gave me a year’s supply of gummy bear scented hair gel it was the best  
  
**Megan:** No!! We’re being honest gift-givers this year!!  
  
**Megan:** I’ll text you all individually and give you your secret santa assignment :) And if anyone swaps names :) I will find out :) And I will crawl in through your bedroom window :) And put glue on your toothbrush :) And you will brush your teeth with it :) And die :)  
  
**Wally:** I’m scared  
  
**Megan:** You should be :)  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Megan > Artemis** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, December 10** **  
** **14:02 EST**

**Megan:** You’ve got Conner this year!  
  
**Artemis:** Nice  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Megan > Conner** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, December 10** **  
** **14:02 EST**

**Megan:** You’ve got Dick!  
  
**Conner:** oh boy it looks like im gonna be shopping in the baby section of the store  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Megan > Dick** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, December 10** **  
** **14:03 EST**

**Megan:** You’ve got Kaldur  
  
**Dick:** Cool beans  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Megan > Kaldur** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, December 10** **  
** **14:03 EST**

**Megan:** You’ve got Megan for secret santa :) I’m sure she’ll appreciate whatever you get her :) As long as it’s pink and/or sparkly :) And she’s a size 7 and likes sequins in case you were wondering :)  
  
**Kaldur:** I will keep that in mind.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Megan > Raquel** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, December 10** **  
** **14:04 EST**

**Megan:** You’ve got Roy!  
  
**Raquel:** What does that man even like?? Do I get him camo snowshoes?? A bottle of chloroform?? A plain white t-shirt??  
  
**Megan:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Megan > Roy** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, December 10** **  
** **14:04 EST**

**Megan:** You have Wally for secret santa!  
  
**Roy:** Lmao I’m going to get him bubble wrap.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Megan > Wally** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, December 10** **  
** **14:05 EST**

**Megan:** You have Zatanna!  
  
**Wally:** hope she likes socks  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Megan > Zatanna** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, December 10** **  
** **14:05 EST**

**Megan:** You’ve got Artemis for secret santa!  
  
**Zatanna:** e x c e l l e n t  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Bitch In Law** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, December 10** **  
** **16:00 EST**

**Artemis:** Dude I can’t decide what would be a better Christmas present for Wally: an Ihop gift card or a pogo stick  
  
**Artemis:** Like on the one hand, I get him food every year and he goes through it in less than a day. But at the same time, I don’t want to have to drive the disaster boy to the emergency room because he was pogosticking too hard and hit his head on the living room ceiling and got a concussion. Not again  
  
**Bitch In Law:** I say go with the gift card, he switched hyperfixations a week ago and lost interest in pogosticks. Now I think he’s on coin collecting.  
  
**Artemis:** That explains why I keep finding pennies on my side of the bed, I thought he was trying to hint at some Abe Lincoln fantasy or smth  
  
**Bitch In Law:** Honest Abe is a sexy, sexy man.  
  
**Artemis:** Ew  
  
**Artemis:** Do you know what you’re getting Kaldur yet? Because I have several suggestions and most of them involve ice skating on sticks of butter across a hot surface  
  
**Bitch In Law:** No idea yet, but it’s fine. I’ve still got plenty of time.  
  
**Artemis:** If you call two weeks plenty of time then sure, whatever floats your boat  
  
**Bitch In Law:** Bold of you to assume I won’t sink the boat myself.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
** **  
** **Friday, December 11** **  
** **23:19 EST**

**Cassandra Sandsmark has added Cissie King-Jones to the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Cassie:** Okay babe tell the gays what you told me  
  
**Cissie:** this is bullying  
  
**Bart:** HEY CISSIE I MISSED YOU SO MUCH OH MY GOD  
  
**Violet:** Hi Cissie!!!!  
  
**Garfield:** WASSUP CIS  
  
**Cissie:** did you just fucking imply I’m a cis person. nasty. I’ll steal your socks and choke you with them  
  
**Garfield:** Oh how I’ve missed your violent humor :’)  
  
**Cassie:** Confess your sins ma’am the people are waiting!!!  
  
**Cissie:** oh like you’ve never been wrong before okay I see how it is  
  
**Bart:** ooooh what’d she do what’d she do where’s the tea is it oolong or chamomile  
  
**Jaime:** I’m more of a hot chocolate person myself.  
  
**Traci:** I once drank half an espresso and the next morning I woke up on my roof with two of my molars missing  
  
**Garfield:** Did you ever find them??  
  
**Traci:** Yeah they were glued to a pair of earrings. I still wear them to this day :)  
  
**Steph:** if you drink hot coffee then legally you’re a str8 person. iced coffees only for us gays  
  
**Ed:** What if it’s winter  
  
**Steph:** then freeze  
  
**Cassie:** Cissie tell them what you said about bees before they get stuck on another tangent  
  
**Tim:** i ãctually oǹly like sin ẩnd cos tbḥ. Tan can çhoke  
  
**Bart:** _YOU BETTER FUCKING APOLOGIZE TO MY MAN TAN FRANCE OR I WILL KILL YOU MYSELF_  
  
**Cassie:** Cissie tell them  
  
**Cissie:** no  
  
**Cassie:** Tell them  
  
**Cissie:** never!!!  
  
**Steph:** what did she say?? :0  
  
**Cissie:** DON’T TELL THEM  
  
**Cassie:** She thought bees injected you with honey when they sting you and that if you’re allergic to bees it means you’re just allergic to honey  
  
**Violet:** Wuhhh...wut.  
  
**Garfield:** pardin mee…?  
  
**Cissie:** LOOK I’VE BEEN ALLERGIC TO BEES ALL MY LIFE HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW  
  
**Tim:** _According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly_ ...  
  
**Jaime:** I will fucking murder you.  
**  
  
**

* * *

**  
** **  
** **Oliver > Roy** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, December 12** **  
** **07:29 EST**

**Oliver:** I wanna babysit Lian today  
  
**Roy:** Fuck off.  
  
**Oliver:** Gimme  
  
**Roy:** Get your own?  
  
**Oliver:** I already HAVE my own. YOU’RE my own  
  
**Oliver:** And my sweet sweet princess Artemis, may she rest in peace <3  
  
**Roy:** Lmao.  
  
**Oliver:** So can I have Lian?  
  
**Roy:** Lmao no.  
  
**Oliver:** I Want To See The Child  
  
**Oliver:** Give Me The Child  
  
**Oliver:** Let Me See My Granddaughter You Coward  
  
**Roy:** You only want her because Barry is coming over today and you want to brag.  
  
**Oliver:** Yeah? And? She’s perfect, she gets it from me  
  
**Roy:** She gets it from me actually. You’re more like the creepy grandpa who smells like booze and mothballs.  
  
**Oliver:** Blocked  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Bread** **  
** **  
** **Monday, December 14** **  
** **17:21 EST**

**Crouton:** Hey Dick will you please tell Wally to do the fucking dishes or you won’t talk to him for a week  
  
**Wonder Bread:** A WEEK??  
  
**Crouton:** A WEEK  
  
**Wonder Bread:** I can’t do that to him Mis I can’t ok it’ll kill me  
  
**Crouton:** This man has spent the past twelve hours glued to his computer and it needs to stop, it’s getting creepy  
  
**Rye Bread:** I always knew it was a matter of time before he turned to online gambling.  
  
**Crouton:** Oh no it’s far worse than that  
  
**Crouton:** He found a sticky note in his old diary with the password to his Club Penguin account on it and he’s been on it all day  
  
**Wonder Bread:** HE WHAT OH MY GOD  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Dick > Wallman**  
  
**Monday, December 14** **  
** **17:26 EST**

**Dick:** DUDE ACCEPT MY FRIEND REQUEST  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Bread** **  
** **  
** **Monday, December 14** **  
** **17:39 EST**

**Crouton:** @Wonder Bread You’re a fucking traitor  
  
**Wonder Bread:** WE BUILT A PIZZA PARLOR!!! **  
** **  
  
**

* * *

**  
** **  
** **Group Chat: Fuck You Artemis I Told You Destiel Was Canon Like Fifty Fucking Times And Every Time You Called Me A Fool For It And All Of That Negativity Festered In The Universe For Ten Years And This Is What I Fucking Get Now I Hope You’re Happy** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, December 12** **  
** **12:12 EST**

**Kaldur:** djqnw;2083y5 bt13g0u]1’ 2qa/kq;;;;;w;3r  
  
**Kaldur:** cfgoh7TYGIFWJOIHF SG93PTOU4A;JFS’AFFJUCKQEFI;QL’E;QK  
  
**Dick:** Kal I think you spelled “affjuck” wrong  
  
**Raquel:** No he’s right, the second F is there it’s just silent  
  
**Raquel:** However, I have to say that “QL’E;QK” is actually the British spelling and you need to add an X at the end to transfer it over to American style. It’s a common misconception I know  
  
**Conner:** i was also a misconception! my dads wanted a dog toy but the pet store employee thought they said hog boy and here i am  
  
**Megan:** You may be a hog boy but you’re my hog boy <3  
  
**Conner:** awww  
  
**Dick:** Lord Farquad voice: FURRY  
  
**Wally:** farquad voice: FURRY  
  
**Roy:** Lord Farquad Voice-- FURRY  
  
**Zatanna:** incel farquad vocie: F U R R Y  
  
**Megan:** I feel like Christ on the gosh darn cross with you people  
  
**Dick:** IF YOU DON’T SIN RIGHT NOW THEN MEGAN DIED FOR NOTHING!!! EVERYONE SOUND OFF YOUR DEADLY SINS  
  
**Artemis:** I’M GAY AND THUS SUPER FUCKING PRIDEFUL  
  
**Wally:** I ATE SEVEN ARTICHOKES DIPPED IN CHIPOTLE SAUCE FOR BREAKFAST LIKE A SMUTTY GLUTTON!!  
  
**Raquel:** THERE ARE SLOTH FACES ON MY SOCKS OH NO I’M GOING TO HELL NOW FOR SLOTH CRIMES  
  
**Roy:** I ENVY THE MOON BECAUSE SHE GETS TO BE FAMOUS AND I DON’T.  
  
**Dick:** ONE TIME I STOLE MY BROTHER’S RARE POKEMON CARDS AND SOLD THEM FOR A DOLLAR EACH ON EBAY BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT HIM TO HAVE MORE CARDS THAN ME WHEN REALLY I SHOULD HAVE JUST KEPT THEM FOR MYSELF WHAT A GREEDY BITCH  
  
**Zatanna:** i’ve been lusting over that sexy boi carl from jimmy neutron for twelve years......yummy  
  
**Artemis:** I just threw up in my mouth  
  
**Kaldur:** qgt2qij4wggggggggguh215  
  
**Zatanna:** it’s okay just put it in a plastic cup for me later, can’t let good food go to waste  
  
**Wally:** hell yeah zee, saving the planet one vomit cup at a time  
  
**Zatanna:** i’m just doing what any good person would do <3  
  
**Dick:** CONNER WHAT IS YOUR SIN?!?! QUICKLY MEGAN’S LIFE IS ON THE LINE!!!  
  
**Conner:** one time i was playing hide and seek with the neighbor kids and i hid in a sewer drain because i wanted to win and i sat in there for seven hours until it started raining and water slowly filled the sewer drain until pretty soon only my head was above the water and i panicked because i couldn’t swim so instead i destroyed the sewer from the inside until it curmbled in my hands like foam packing peanuts and i busted out of there like a superhuman hulk child and i’m pretty sure all that sewer water i inhaled gave me superpowers because now i can see in the dark and the power goes out when i sneeze  
  
**Conner:** so........idk wrath kinda fits  
  
**Wally:** c...curmbled  
  
**Kaldur:** pfqjie[ghiq0we j o 666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666  
  
**Dick:** OH NO HE’S SUMMONING SATAN EVERYBODY RUN  
  
**Roy:** It’s okay you can say Artemis.  
  
**Artemis:** Now I don’t feel guilty anymore for giving your number to that Russian phone sex line  
  
**Roy:** THAT’S WHO’S BEEN LEAVING ME ALL THOSE VOICEMAILS????  
  
**Megan:** Hey Kaldur, why is your brain broken today?  
  
**Kaldur:** iqqiw ; kkskdwioowoooooowoowooowooooooowoooowooo  
  
**Roy:** Oh yeah forgot to tell you guys that Kal is having a playdate with Lian, she must be borrowing his phone.  
  
**Zatanna:** hi lian baby!!!! i love u  
  
**Wally:** anoint us with your wisdom oh holy child  
  
**Kaldur:** hdwhhwdqwdoqh w;  
  
**Dick:** Magic conch, will I ever get married?  
  
**Kaldur:**.f,qq,,,,,,,,wqfhowwwwwwwwwww  
  
**Dick:** How? Uh, love and respect I think are pretty nice starting points  
  
**Kaldur:** po or hfo2wr89 yp12  
  
**Wally:** lmao she said you’re too poor to get married what a fucking plot twist  
  
**Dick:** If I become a professional shrimp wrangler and rise to fame and fortune can I get married then  
  
**Kaldur:** gfuoiywqfeuoc hnoppppppp  
  
**Artemis:** There is DEFINITELY a no in there. Enjoy loneliness dickboy  
  
**Roy:** Yeah and Lian is not your personal psychic toy, she’s a real person with real feelings.  
  
**Roy:** Plus I’m her dad which means I get dibs. Hey Lian, sweetheart, what should I get Kaldur for Christmas?  
  
**Kaldur:** Some respect would be nice.  
  
**Raquel:** DFGHJKJHGG  
  
**Roy:** Kaldur give the phone back to Lian this is important.  
  
**Kaldur:** Okay, okay.  
  
**Roy:** Lian, sweetie, babygirl, what should I buy Uncle Kallie for Christmas?  
  
**Kaldur:** Sssssssssfjkwssssssssslw;;;sssss.;.;  
  
**Roy:** Yes, yes, what is it?  
  
**Kaldur:** SSsjfsssssssssssssssdlsssssssss,;s,,,.,  
  
**Kaldur:** Some goddamn respect.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Oliver > Bruce** **  
** **  
** **Sunday, December 13** **  
** **19:03 EST**

**Oliver:** What are you wearing to the Kord gala tonight?  
  
**Bruce:** Why?  
  
**Oliver:** Because I don’t want us to accidentally match outfits again  
**  
Bruce:** You’re so shallow.

**Oliver:** And?  
  
**Bruce:** I’m wearing a suit.  
  
**Oliver:** Wow you’re really breaking barriers there huh. My bowtie is gonna be lime green with sequins :)  
  
**Bruce:** I didn’t ask what colour your bowtie was.  
  
**Oliver:** ??? What the fuck was that?  
  
**Bruce:** What?  
  
**Oliver:** Color  
  
**Bruce:** Colour.  
  
**Oliver:** Color  
  
**Bruce:** Colour.  
  
**Oliver:** You’re spelling it wrong  
  
**Bruce:** No, it’s spelled colour.  
  
**Oliver:** No it isn’t  
  
**Bruce:** It is in England.  
  
**Oliver:** We’re not IN England. God you’re pretentious  
  
**Bruce:** Ouch, that hurt. Allow me to wipe my tears with hundred dollars bills.  
  
**Oliver:** YOU’RE RICHER THAN ME WE GET IT ALREADY

* * *

  
  
**Roy > Dinah** **  
** **  
** **Monday, December 14** **  
** **15:51 EST**

**Roy:** What did you get Ollie for Christmas this year?  
  
**Dinah:** A Captain Crunch onesie, why?  
  
**Roy:** I still haven’t gotten Kaldur’s Christmas gift yet and I’m running out of ideas.  
  
**Dinah:** Well what did you give him last year?  
  
**Roy:** Nothing. I did give myself a whole ton of heroin though, it was fucking lit.  
  
**Dinah:** What about the year before that then?  
  
**Roy:** Uhhh a mug with a shitty cartoon dog on it.  
  
**Dinah:** Wow  
  
**Roy:** I know.  
  
**Dinah:** Does Kaldur even like dogs??  
  
**Roy:** No, he likes fish and has a wall-to-wall aquarium in his room but they ran out of the fish ones that day so I worked with what I had.  
  
**Dinah:** You couldn’t have just gotten the mug on a different day?  
  
**Roy:** Nah it was Christmas Eve and the dollar store was closing in five minutes.  
  
**Dinah:** Roy, I love you to pieces and you’re my favorite stepson in the whole world, but how has Kal not dumped you yet  
  
**Roy:** That’s what I keep asking!! He says it’s for my “personality” and “chiseled looks” or whatever but I’m not convinced that his brain hasn’t been hijacked by tiny drones seeking to end the world by starting with me.  
  
**Dinah:** You can always ask him what he wants and work from there  
  
**Roy:** I tried but he just keeps saying he’ll appreciate whatever I pick out for him which is SUCH BULLSHIT LIKE WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT??  
  
**Dinah:** Do you know what he’s giving you this year?  
  
**Roy:** Yeah I had Dick hack into his laptop and he apparently just ordered me a new red quiver with my name on the strap AND a set of arrows with a bunch of my favorite movie quotes engraved on them.  
  
**Dinah:** And you gave him a MUG???  
  
**Roy:** I knowwwwwww. I’m a terrible boyfriend. I fucked up last year by ignoring him and I’m gonna fuck up again this year by giving him a crappy gift. At this rate next year I’ll probably set his house on fire.  
  
**Dinah:** Sweetie you’ve still got plenty of time, you’ll think of something  
  
**Roy:** That’s such a nice way of saying “I don’t feel like helping so I’m just gonna leave you some vague parental advice and consider my job done.”  
  
**Dinah:** Pretty much, yeah. Good luck honey!!  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Roy > Jade** **  
** **  
** **Monday, December 14** **  
** **17:01 EST**

**Roy:** Hey quick question, what did I get you for Christmas when we were dating?  
  
**Jade:** Pregnant  
  
**Roy:** Oh yeah.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Oliver > Artemis** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, December 16** **  
** **12:44 EST**

**Oliver:** Hiya kid! Do you and Wally need a ride from California tomorrow? I have my private jet on standby  
  
**Artemis:** It’s cool, Dick already offered up his dad’s helicopter so we’ll be in Happy Harbor around noon-ish tomorrow depending on if we take that detour through the Grand Canyon gift shop or not  
  
**Oliver:** Have a safe trip then!  
  
**Oliver:** Also I know you guys are spending the winter break at Roy’s aside from Christmas morning, but if you want you can always spend tonight at home with me and Dinah. We’ll set up the guest room and everything because we’re old people and we get lonely all alone in this big empty house :(  
  
**Artemis:** Will there be pancakes?  
  
**Oliver:** With peppermint chips and whipped cream  
  
**Artemis:** Set up the room captain  
  
**Oliver:** YAY :D  
  
  


* * *

  
**  
Wally > Ginger #2**

**  
** **Wednesday, December 16** **  
** **13:18 EST**

**Wally:** pov: you’re a 7/11 cashier and I’m a tired businessman grabbing a snack after a long night at the office. no one else is in the store  
  
**Ginger #2:** Ok...  
  
**Wally:** I shop around for a while and eventually come up to the register  
  
**Ginger #2:** Ok...  
  
**Wally:** I say good evening to you and dump my twelve bags of chips on the counter  
  
**Ginger #2:** Ok...  
  
**Wally:** I pay with cash, tipping adequately  
  
**Ginger #2:** Ok...  
  
**Wally:** I politely ask to suck your toes,  
  
**Ginger #2:** I’m gonna have to stop you right there.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Ollie’s Goatee Needs To Die** **  
** **  
** **Friday, December 18** **  
** **11:58 EST**

**Oliver:** Just got our Christmas tree!!!!  
  
**Oliver:** [image sent]  
  
**Oliver:** I’m naming her Alberta <3  
  
**Dinah:** WOW that’s one big tree. Are you sure it’ll fit in the living room?  
  
**Oliver:** Nope! It’s way too tall  
  
**Artemis:** Wait really  
  
**Oliver:** Yep! The ceiling is 10 feet high and this tree is 20 :)  
  
**Roy:** Then..........why did you get such a huge ass tree....................  
  
**Oliver:** Because I’m a GENIUS, that’s why  
  
**Oliver:** I paid the price of one 20-foot tree when really I’ve got four five-foot ones!!  
  
**Dinah:** Honey this is a terrible idea  
  
**Artemis:** And you’re a literal billionaire?? But sure, save a couple bucks on a tree  
  
**Oliver:** It’s basic math guys. More is better, and now our family gets four whole trees! One for each of us!  
  
**Artemis:** Oh so you hate Lian is what I’m hearing  
  
**Oliver:** ...Okay minor setback. I’ll just make it five four-foot trees then, easy peasy  
  
**Roy:** This is going to end badly.  
  
**Oliver:** Get ready to eat your words when you see our fabulous five baby trees :)  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Ollie’s Goatee Needs To Die** **  
** **  
** **Friday, December 18** **  
** **13:30 EST**

**Oliver:** THERE WAS A BEEHIVE IN THE TREE  
  
**Oliver:** THE LIVING ROOM IS INFESTED WITH BEES NOW OH GOD OH GOD  
  
**Artemis:** How are those words tasting Roy?  
  
**Roy:** Delicious.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Roy > Satan** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, December 19** **  
** **02:25 EST**

**Roy:** Okay so what if...I get Kaldur a really nice set of pots and pans.  
  
**Satan:** That’s your worst idea yet  
  
**Roy:** I’M RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS ARTEMIS I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M GONNA DO!! I’M A TERRIBLE BOYFRIEND!!  
  
**Satan:** You’re just realizing that now?  
  
**Roy:** You’re supposed to be helping me, not remarking on my mistakes.  
  
**Satan:** Just go to a store and walk around until you find something? That’s how I get stuff done  
  
**Roy:** Tried that. All I found were some erasers shaped like fried chicken and a candle that smells like Bob Ross.  
  
**Satan:** Ngl I wouldn’t be opposed to you getting me that candle for Christmas  
  
**Roy:** Already wrapped.  
  
**Satan:** Excellent  
  
**Roy:** Would it be a cop-out to get Kal a gift card so he can buy his own gift?  
  
**Satan:** Yes  
  
**Roy:** Damn it.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Spitfire** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, December 19** **  
** **03:21 EST**

**Wally:** you ever think about how somewhere in the multiverse there’s probably a reality where everything is exactly as it should be, like all of the things that were SUPPOSED to happen in the real version of reality happened in that one universe so it’s like the number one prime earth but all the other universes like this one are just random aberrations that by all means shouldn’t exist or aren’t supposed to be taking place but they ARE and we’re walking and talking and feeling and living and suffering and all the while we have no idea that we could just be an alternate universe of the REAL universe and that what’s happening here isn’t what happened in that other real universe and life is just a parody of itself with replaced pieces and changed settings and figures set an inch to the left so not much has changed at its core even though it DID and it’s DIFFERENT and we’re not even really REAL but there isn’t anything we can do about it so we just go about our lives trying to ignore the notion that reality isn’t even real to begin with  
  
**Wally:** you ever think about that?  
  
**Spitfire:** Babe what the fuck  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat:** **  
** **  
** **Sunday, December 20** **  
** **14:07 EST** **  
** **  
** **Raquel:** How do y’all pronounce carmel? Trying to prove a point  
  
**Zatanna:** u mean caramel? it’s pronounced care-a-mel  
  
**Wally:** no??? it’s carmel  
  
**Dick:** Who the fuck calls it carmel  
  
**Wally:** I the fuck calls it carmel  
  
**Conner:** yeah carmel makes more sense  
  
**Artemis:** No it doesn’t?? It’s spelled caramel, it should be pronounced how it’s spelled  
  
**Megan:** Yeah, I’ve never heard anyone call it carmel before  
  
**Raquel:** Nevermind you people are not as valid as I thought you were  
  
**Roy:** Pal it’s care-a-mel.  
  
**Conner:** it’s carmel  
  
**Dick:** CARAMEL  
  
**Zatanna:** CARMEL  
  
**Dick:** See this is why english is a terrible language and I regret learning it nine years ago when my parents were murdered and I was thrust into a cold American world full of prejudice against Romanis, circus people, and gays all in one fell swoop with no one to lean on but an emotionally stunted manchild who was born into money and thus had no idea of what it meant to be oppressed or treated like you weren’t the face of Gotham’s wealth and high society :)  
  
**Conner:** uh. okay  
  
**Artemis:** It’s like the stupid crayfish debate all over again  
  
**Raquel:** Crayfish debate?  
  
**Wally:** YOU MEAN THE CRAWDAD DEBATE  
  
**Artemis:** NO I DON'T BECAUSE CRAWDAD IS A DUMB FUCKING WORD  
  
**Roy:** What are you two talking about??  
  
**Artemis:** This tiny lobster boi  
  
**Artemis:** [image sent]  
  
**Artemis:** What is his name  
  
**Dick:** Oh that’s a crayfish  
  
**Megan:** Crayfish!! Love those lil guys :D  
  
**Artemis:** THANK YOU  
  
**Zatanna:** yeah it’s called a crayfish idk what else to call it  
  
**Wally:** YOU CALL IT A CRAWDAD THAT’S WHAT  
  
**Conner:** yep its a crawdad  
  
**Zatanna:** look man u can be as kinky as u want but that lobster man is not my daddy. i refuse to call him crawdad  
  
**Kaldur:** They are actually called crawfish, I do not know what you guys are talking about. If anything, I have seniority here because I spend more time at the beach than all of you combined. I am the king of the crawfish.  
  
**Roy:** OMG I’VE GOT IT.  
  
**Dick:** ?  
  
**Roy Harper is offline.**  
  
**Raquel:** Dang okay, just leave me like my dad did I guess smh  
  
**Kaldur:** Was it something I said?  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
** **  
** **Monday, December 21** **  
** **20:32 EST** **  
** **  
** **Cissie:** I HAVE JUST MADE AN IRREVERSIBLY BAD MISTAKE  
  
**Cissie:** I WAS SUPPOSED TO SUBMIT AN ESSAY ONLINE TONIGHT BUT GOT MY FILES MIXED UP SO INSTEAD OF MY HUCKLEBERRY FINN PAPER I ACCIDENTALLY SENT MY 40 Y/O MALE ENGLISH TEACHER A VIDEO OF MYSELF BURPING “STARSHIPS” BY NINKI MINAJ HE L P  
  
**Jaime:** So I see we’re just letting Cissie stay here even though she doesn’t even go to this school huh? Okay.  
  
**Ed:** *cups hands around mouth* SHE DOESN’T EVEN GO HERE!!  
  
**Cissie:** oh so you’re home of phobic? you hate lez beans? you discinnamonate against gay homies? ok  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Fuck You Artemis I Told You Destiel Was Canon Like Fifty Fucking Times And Every Time You Called Me A Fool For It And All Of That Negativity Festered In The Universe For Ten Years And This Is What I Fucking Get Now I Hope You’re Happy** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, December 23** **  
** **13:00 EST**

**Megan:** Don’t forget to break into your secret santa’s house tonight and plant their present on the nightstand so they can open it in the morning!! The secret ingredient to holly jolly fun is burglary  
  
**Zatanna:** i still think we should do it on christmas eve like the actual santa claus does it but whatever  
  
**Zatanna:** also i’m jewish so does that mean i get extra gifts  
  
**Megan:** No it doesn’t, sorry  
  
**Zatanna:** dammit  
  
**Dick:** Hey Wally what’d you get me  
  
**Wally:** I’m not your secret santa pal  
  
**Dick:** Oh okay  
  
**Dick:** Hey Raquel what’d you get me  
  
**Raquel:** Not me either little dude  
  
**Dick:** Oh okay  
  
**Dick:** Hey Conner what’d you get me  
  
**Conner:** not it  
  
**Dick:** Oh okay  
  
**Dick:** Hey Kaldur what’d you get me  
  
**Kaldur:** A pony.  
  
**Dick:** Really?!?!?!  
  
**Kaldur:** No.  
  
**Dick:** You just broke my whole heart in half  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Fuck You Artemis I Told You Destiel Was Canon Like Fifty Fucking Times And Every Time You Called Me A Fool For It And All Of That Negativity Festered In The Universe For Ten Years And This Is What I Fucking Get Now I Hope You’re Happy** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, December 24** **  
** **08:25 EST**

**Wally:** what kind of shitbull is this  
  
**Roy:** One of you fuckers is getting sued for emotional abuse.  
  
**Raquel:** Sounds to me like somebody didn’t like their gift  
  
**Dick:** WHO DID THIS WHO TOYED WITH MY EMOTIONS LIKE A VILLAIN AND LULLED ME INTO A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY??? I DEMAND ANSWERS!!!  
  
**Kaldur:** I also have several questions about my secret santa gift…  
  
**Artemis:** Hang on hang on, I just wanna make sure we’re all talking about the same thing here because I’m super fucking confused rn  
  
**Artemis:** Who else received a can of tomato soup for their Christmas/Hanukkah present  
  
**Wally:** (◞‸◟) /  
  
**Conner:** (◞‸◟) / i will never trust again  
  
**Megan:** (◞‸◟) /  
  
**Roy:** (◞‸◟) /  
  
**Raquel:** (◞‸◟) /  
  
**Dick:** (◞‸◟) /  
  
**Kaldur:** (◞‸◟) /  
  
**Zatanna:** ( ^ v ^ ) / joke’s on u i love soup. my guilty pleasure is sipping bathwater through a curly straw  
  
**Raquel:** We’ve all been SOUPED  
  
**Artemis:** There has to be a logical explanation  
  
**Wally:** heck yeah go off detective crock  
  
**Artemis:** Conner who was your secret santa person?  
  
**Conner:** dick  
  
**Dick:** YOU LYING BITCH YOU SAID IT WASN’T YOU!!!!!!!!!! fucking malarky  
  
**Artemis:** And what did you get him?  
  
**Conner:** a can of tomato soup  
  
**Dick:** YOU!!! YOU DID THIS TO ME!!! YOU SOUPED ME!!!!  
  
**Artemis:** Dick who was YOUR target  
  
**Dick:** Oh I had Kaldur  
  
**Artemis:** And what did you get him  
  
**Dick:** A can of soup obviously  
  
**Kaldur:** ???  
  
**Wally:** did we really all get each other the same fucking can of soup for secret santa this year what the singular microscopic fucknugget  
  
**Kaldur:** No!! I got Megan the vegetarian kind. Completely different.  
  
**Wally:** tomato soup is already vegetarian you twink  
  
**Roy:** Hey now, Kal is a twunk at most.  
  
**Kaldur:** Thank you darling.  
  
**Raquel:** Actually I’m a vegan and I can confirm that there is a common misconception about our dietary needs. Tomatoes are neither a fruit nor a vegetable and thus are classified as a meat product thank you for coming to my TED talk  
  
**Megan:** Same thing with cucumbers!!  
  
**Raquel:** And cardboard  
  
**Megan:** And sour patch kids  
  
**Artemis:** What am I supposed to do with all this soup now?? I’ve got a whole case of the stuff sitting on my nightstand like a deadly omen  
  
**Roy:** Can...can I have it.  
  
**Artemis:** What are you going to do with twelve cans of tomato soup????  
  
**Roy:** MIND YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS HOW ABOUT THAT?  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Ollie’s Goatee Needs To Die** **  
** **  
** **Friday, December 25** **  
** **04:33 EST**

**Oliver:** MERRY CHRISTMAS, FAMILY!!!!!! <3 <3 <3  
  
**Oliver:** [image sent]  
  
**Oliver:** [image sent]  
  
**Oliver:** [image sent]  
  
**Roy:** Of all the things I’d want to see at 4am on Christmas morning, sexy Santa gifs from my dad is at the bottom of the list.  
  
**Roy:** Also, in case you weren’t aware, IT’S FOUR IN THE MORNING WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.  
  
**Artemis:** Awww is somebwody gwouchy about being awake befow sunwise uwu? Grow a fucking pair and become nocturnal like the rest of us  
  
**Roy:** Ollie, Artemis is bullying me.  
  
**Oliver:** Artemis you’re grounded.  
  
**Artemis:** Dinah, Ollie grounded me  
  
**Dinah:** Ollie stop trying to ground Artemis on Christmas  
  
**Artemis:** :)  
  
**Artemis:** Hey Roy can you put Lian on the phone? I wanna say merry crisis to my niece  
  
**Roy:** What part of 4am isn’t clicking for you people. Is the fact that the sun doesn’t rise for another three hours not enough.  
  
**Artemis:** Wake her up and tell her I demand an audience with her highness!!  
  
**Roy:** That’s not how babies work? And if you want to see her so badly just come downstairs you lazy cactus.  
  
**Artemis:** Nah Wally’s kinda tangled around me like an octopus right now, he gets snuggly during this time of year. Couldn’t get up if I tried  
  
**Roy:** Romance is disgusting. Blegh. Yuck. Shut up.  
  
**Artemis:** I literally saw you and Kaldur shamelessly cuddling on your Snap story seven hours ago do you really wanna go there  
  
**Roy:** Kal and I are the cute exceptions to every rule.  
  
**Dinah:** Speaking of, did you figure out what to give him yet??  
  
**Roy:** Oh yeah don’t worry, I’ve got the perfect gift for my lovely fish boy.  
  
**Dinah:** What is it?  
  
**Roy:** :) Secret :)  
  
**Dinah:** Darn it  
  
**Oliver:** Okay well I’m making breakfast in an hour and after that we can open our presents  
  
**Roy:** Oh I already know what mine are.  
  
**Artemis:** Yeah me too  
  
**Oliver:** YOU PEEKED???  
  
**Artemis:** Yeah? Did you really expect us not to?  
  
**Artemis:** Thanks for the new iPod btw, I’ve been meaning to get one  
  
**Roy:** And I can’t wait to use the popcorn machine, super exciting.  
  
**Oliver:** :|  
  
**Artemis:** *:{  
  
**Artemis:** You forgot the goatee  
  
**Roy:** DFGHJKJHGFGHJKL.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: The Wonder Pets** **  
** **  
** **Friday, December 25** **  
** **10:56 EST**

**Kaldur:** [image sent]  
  
**Kaldur:** LOOK AT WHAT ROY GAVE ME FOR CHRISTMAS!!  
  
**Kaldur:** IT’S A NECKLACE WITH A REAL SEASHELL FROM THE ISLAND I WAS BORN IN!!! HE EVEN GOT IT ENGRAVED WITH THE DATE OF OUR ANNIVERSARY!!! I AM NEVER TAKING THIS OFF EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!  
  
**Tula:** Dang man that’s really stonks  
  
**Garth:** so fucking poggers  
  
**Kaldur:** Why do I even bother with you people?  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Oliver > Bruce** **  
** **  
** **Friday, December 25** **  
** **12:11 EST**

**Oliver:** What did you kids give you for Christmas?  
  
**Bruce:** Mostly “World’s Best Dad” mugs and some leftover free hug coupons from last year. Jason gave me a ziploc bag of cold spaghetti from supper two days ago.  
  
**Oliver:** Mine both combined their money and got me a lifetime supply of Chipotle sauce  
  
**Oliver:** They’re so thoughtful :’)

**Author's Note:**

> (yes, that was indeed zatanna who came up with the current name for the group chat lmao)
> 
> [Feel free to mosey on down to my Tumblr!](http://sohotthateveryonedied.tumblr.com/)


End file.
